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You’ve probably heard psychologists say that the earliest years of one’s life are very important in shaping the adult. The research and common sense are that you feel best and are most healthy when you are able to be yourself, when you are being unique. But you didn’t learn to be unique. You learned to conform to the values and beliefs of your parents, community, and culture.

In fact, you are a lot like your parents. You’ve modeled and been strongly conditioned by them and what they believe is right. In this process you learn how to please them. You learn to equate conforming with being loved. You learn how to be.

This is further reinforced through all of your school years. You learn how to fit in and be accepted. You learn to be far too concerned about what everybody else thinks. You learn a great fear of making mistakes or displeasing others. Whether or not you like it or understand it, your behavior is largely determined by what others think, not what you would really choose to do or be. And the basis is fear of rejection and not being loved.

It’s all learned. It’s all made up. And it changes from generation to generation and culture to culture. As you mature and learn and grow, you realize that your beliefs and values change, but deep within, you believe that to change (or not conform) means you won’t be loved, fit in, and will be rejected. Most of this is taking place in your subconscious mind, but the dissonance and stress are real, and have real consequences in terms of your health, behavior, and relationships.

I certainly learned this when I was teaching about the “will to live” in my wellness classes with cancer patients and their families. I wanted them to be engaged in life vs. withdrawing and waiting to die. I knew their thoughts and feelings had great impact on their health. I wanted them to do what brought them the greatest joy and meaning in their lives. But they found this too selfish. They had learned that everyone and everything else should come first. No matter how much I tried to explain to them that they needed a much better balance in their lives between doing for others and taking care of themselves, they couldn’t do it – even though we were encouraging this as part of their treatment for cancer.

I also taught them about guided imagery and self-hypnosis, how they could visualize and tell their immune system to function properly. My doctoral dissertation was titled, Relaxation, Guided Imagery, and Wellness, so I could support this approach with considerable research and evidence. Fortunately, they did a much better job with this, and came to realize their thoughts and imagination could help them considerably. They learned that their condition was not helpless and hopeless. They really could take much greater control of their health and life.

I explained how a pillar of scientific research, the placebo effect, had to be controlled for, because one’s beliefs and expectations (placebo) are as powerful as any medical treatment one third of the time. How would you like to increase your odds of getting what you want by 30% or more?

Life is full of ups and downs and is highly influenced by your thoughts about it. In fact, you are always creating because you are constantly thinking. Unfortunately, much of this time is spent worrying, which will increase the probability of experiencing exactly what you don’t want.

This is why I really appreciate the role of meditation – learning to go within to access another deeper, wiser aspect of who we are. Actually, it is the historic purpose of meditation to discover the truth of who we are, which current research with quantum physics proposes is a unified connection with a “Primary Reality” of harmony, order, and compassion. The wholeness which links the entire universe is an infinite energy field of love.

Our physical perception of material reality has conditioned us to think of ourselves as being separate from other human beings and other forms of matter. But it turns out that we and everything are interconnected. And because of the interconnection of all realities, any one form is potentially all-knowledgeable. However, one’s physical senses set limits on what can be perceived, and we perceive as real that which we have been conditioned to believe as true.

The great news is that meditation is a means to transform the mind of conditioned thoughts. By quieting oneself through passive, focused attention (meditation), consciousness can be transformed where the brain becomes quiet and sympathetic with the underlying universal frequency (Primary Reality). This allows a new means to perceive reality, an alternate way of knowing, which can reprogram the brain.

Thinking is a filtering process and distorts a deeper, true reality. Thoughts and feelings such as separation vs. oneness; of fear vs. love; of despair vs. hope; constrict the flow of the life force field of love which surrounds us. This is the underlying source and cause of illness. I believe negative thoughts and feelings are another way to define stress, which is an energy vibration in dissonance with the core, eternal truth of who we are. This is why all illness is stress-related in some way.

You are in partner with the universe, a Universe that is 100% benevolent. You are perfectly safe and loved. However, your thoughts are like a blueprint for manifestation. Are your thoughts commonly, “I look forward to all the good that awaits me?”. You reap what you sow. You can positively learn to take back control of your life. Be patient with yourself in this process, but know that you are infinitely capable of it. I pray you learn the truth of this.

One time I was on the radio being interviewed and a woman called the show to say that she was recently divorced, but that her ex-husband was still going way out of his way to interfere and make her life miserable. “What should I do?” she asked. What occurred to me to say, because she really did sound upset and angry was “Chances are he’s the last person on earth you want to let you feel this way.” “That’s right,” she said. So, I told her, “The next time he does something that would disturb you, tell him, ‘You’re the last person on earth I’m going to let turn me upside down like this!’” How do you think that would feel? Rather than getting frustrated and angry, you could maintain control, put the situation in perspective immediately, and stop the stress and distress.

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There’s a fable about a father and son loading their donkey to go to market. They have a great distance to travel, and they’ll pass through many small villages along the way. They start off walking. When they get to the first village, they hear someone say, “You’d think one of them would ride that donkey; they have such a long distance to go.” So, the father puts his son on the donkey, and they proceed. When they get to the next small village, they hear someone remark, “Look at the young son riding the donkey making his older father walk.” So, the boy gets off the donkey, and the father gets on. When they get to the next village someone says, “You’d think they’d both ride that donkey.” So, they both get on the donkey. In the next village someone comments, “Look at that poor donkey all loaded down with the father, son, and their goods for market!” Now imagine the next scene. The father ties the front legs of the donkey together. The son ties the back legs of the donkey. And they carry the donkey to the next village. What’s the moral of this story? (You can’t please everyone.)

But another very interesting question is, “Which villager was right?” Most commonly, people say, “None of them.” But what I’d like you to consider is that all of them were right. Every villager had a different opinion, and yet they all were right. How could they all be different, and all be right? Because everyone has a different truth. Everyone is different and has had a different life experience about what he or she believes is right or wrong. Who has the truth?

– Excerpt from Doctor’s Orders: Go Fishing by Dean Shrock, Ph.D.

Which is the right way to put the toilet paper on the roll? When I’ve asked this question in my classes, I’ve always gotten a variety of responses, often split between the toilet paper rolling “over” or “under.” I remember when an engineer tried to explain, based on the law of gravity, why it should roll a certain way! People usually have pretty strong feelings about the right way to put the paper on the roll. In fact, a great number of people are so invested in their ways, that even when they’re a guest in someone else’s home, they turn the toilet paper around! You may laugh, which usually happens in my classes, but this is not funny. Imagine someone turning your toilet paper around…

Now let me tell you the right way to place the toilet paper on the roll. (This usually evokes even more laughter.) Of course, the right way is your way. If you really believed that there was a better way to do it, you’d switch. But what happens when your “right” way differs from someone else’s “right” way? At some point, we need to learn to respect our individual differences.

People clearly are different. Who really knows the right way? How are we going to learn to get along with one another if we keep insisting on our way? And this is the crazy history of our world: People are so invested in their way of doing things, that, at the extreme, if you do it differently, they may want to kill you! Think about wars and what has gone on for all of recorded history. People’s cultural conditioning is often at the root of war. “You have to do it my way!” When will we learn?

Excerpt from Doctor’s Orders: Go Fishing by Dean Shrock, Ph.D.

“When children feel ashamed for not being good or doing what’s right, or letting their parents down, they come to feel flawed, inferior, no good, and not worth loving. They learn to think less of themselves and feel no one could love them. And if their parents don’t love them, they need someone or something to make them feel good about themselves. And this is the root of addictive behaviors: They’re going to do whatever they need to do to find self-respect and a feeling of connectedness of belonging. Or they’ll do whatever necessary to numb or repress their feelings of low self-worth and the shame and pain of feeling unloved. This fear of rejection and not being loved underlies most illness.”

From Doctor’s Orders: Go Fishing – Dean Shrock, Ph.D