We have lots of relationships – with our family, partner, friends, colleagues and co-workers, pets, and the world itself. But our first and primary relationship is with ourselves. What do you think about yourself? What do you say to yourself? You’re with yourself all the time. How do you treat yourself? This will be revealed in all of your relationships.
From day one we begin to react to our environment, doing our best to adapt and survive. We acquire beliefs from our parents, in particular, about what is right and wrong, who we are, and how we’re supposed to present ourselves to the world. And when we violate any of these learned beliefs, we begin to develop guilt and shame. We develop a “shadow” side of our selves. We try to hide it and deny it, and one way to cope with these uncomfortable feelings is to suppress or repress them and take them out of our conscious memory. Another way is to blame and project what we rejected or denied about ourselves onto others. In psychology this is called scapegoating or projection.
I’d really like you to think about this because if we could look at what we judge about ourselves and others, we could see it as a way to understand ourselves so much better. Truly, like the law of attraction, the people in your life (including your pets and co-workers) are mirrors of you – the good and the bad. It takes courage to accept that what we don’t like about others is what we consciously or subconsciously don’t want to acknowledge in ourselves. And this is how experiences of guilt, shame, and rejection create your “inner critic.”
Your inner critic, like your ego, is simply a survival mechanism doing its best to help you make it in the world. As you experience more and more thoughts and feelings of separation and fear vs. oneness and love, you subconsciously create aspects or subpersonalities of yourself that you come to believe are who you really are. They include your inner critic, rule maker, pleaser, responsible parents, and other selves. These “selves” that you call your personality, were developed by your subconscious, and take over when you’re feeling vulnerable. And your beliefs about who you are will be reflected in your primary relationships in particular. They are your mirrors.
In marriage, for example, you will attract someone who carries your “disowned selves”, the parts you’ve somehow learned are socially unacceptable. I tend to say that you marry your opposite. One of the most common observations I’ve made is that one of you will be significantly more self-centered, and one of you will be more of a nurturer. One of you can’t wait to throw things out, and the other wants to hoard and save. If you really think about this, it can make you wonder why in the world you married this person. You can be so different. The reason is that at an energetic level, you attract others to fill in your void and to balance you. Interestingly, all of the qualities that you are looking for in another are within you. And those who push your buttons, or who you overvalue, are your best teachers. Your beliefs at a vibratory level attracted you to each other. If only we could see our relationships this way, and how we can help one another instead of judging and wanting to change them.
Interestingly, the best way to change them is to change yourself. As you learn to love and accept yourself, it changes your energy, and the way others relate to you. If you change, they have to change also. Believe me, this doesn’t always go smoothly, but the key is your becoming more aware of the truth of who you are and assuming a conscious, caring role in relation to “the inner critic”. Your inner critic can become a special ability to spot problems, and a warning system that you’re out of balance.
Whenever our repressed feelings get resonated (someone pushes our buttons), subconsciously we worry that our “shadow self,” the side of our personality that contains all the parts that we don’t want to admit to having, will be revealed to ourselves or others. And this is terrifying. So, we use the defense mechanism of projection. We project it onto others as a way to disown the very qualities that we find unacceptable in ourselves.
The truth of it is, however, that we have attracted others into our lives to bring up our stuff. Subconsciously, we want them to bring up our stuff so that we can become fully integrated as a whole person – to love and accept ourselves just the way we are. That person is actually our healing angel. Instead of seeing this person in a negative light, we need to forgive them and ourselves, and express great gratitude for the role they have come to play for us.
So, whenever you find yourself becoming stressed, or your buttons are being pushed, take time as soon as possible to sit down and get in touch with that part of yourself that’s feeling out of sorts. Be in touch with your feelings. Don’t judge them or try to change them. Treat yourself like you would a best friend. If a best friend were struggling and asked for your help, ideally you wouldn’t judge or try to change this person. You would be there for your friend. And whatever it took, you would stay by your friend. That’s what you need to do for yourself. I call it loving yourself. You need to learn to accept and love yourself just like you accept and love best friends. You can see their warts and foibles, and you love them just the same. Similarly, be there for yourself. Do this for yourself. Love yourself.
